Healthy Conflict and Discreta Caritas (Luke 14:25–33)

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n Luke 14, Jesus says: “If anyone comes to me without hating his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.” Earlier in Luke 12 Jesus already taught his disciples about this same message. He declared: “Do you think that I have come to bring peace to the earth? No, I tell you, but rather division” (Lk 12:49–53). Both passages sound harsh, yet together they reveal something essential: discipleship is never about false harmony. To follow Jesus means entering into real conflict—within ourselves, our families, and our world—because the Gospel unsettles complacency.

1. Conflict as the Path to Trust

Pope Francis once told the Eucharistic Youth Movement: “What would a society, a family, a group of friends be like without tension and conflict? Do you know what it would be? A cemetery—because it is only in dead things are there no tensions and no conflicts.”

Conflict and tension, far from being destructive, can become graced opportunities if we allow them to open us to dialogue. Jesus’ call to “hate” one’s family is not about despising loved ones but about refusing to let attachments eclipse our trust in Him. Healthy conflict forces us to face differences honestly and, in doing so, to cultivate trust. Dialogue becomes the fruit of such conflict; but without trust, dialogue cannot even begin. As Pope Francis warns, though, we must avoid clinging to conflict itself, which only makes us argumentative or negative. True discipleship channels conflict toward greater harmony, unity, and trust.

2. Conflict Needs Discerning Love (Discreta Caritas)

The Christian tradition speaks of discreta caritas—discerning love. This means that love is not blind sentiment but guided by prudence and discernment. Conflict, then, must be embraced with this discerning love. Without it, we fall into extremes: on one hand, a “retired” or “dead” life that avoids all conflict in the name of a false peace; on the other, a “sick” life that feeds on tension for its own sake.

Luke call to “calculate the cost” of discipleship invites us into this middle way. Just as one does not begin building a tower without first considering the expense, we must face conflict with a love that discerns what leads to true growth and fidelity. Discerning love recognizes when conflict is necessary to preserve the truth of the Gospel, and when stepping back is the more loving choice. It weighs, patiently and prayerfully, what attachments must be renounced for the sake of Christ. In this sense, discreta caritas transforms conflict into a school of wisdom: teaching us when to yield, when to speak, when to suffer, and when to let go.

3. Discerning True Peace

When asked about his greatest challenge, Pope Francis answered: discerning true peace from false peace. Jesus in today’s Gospel points to this very struggle: “Whoever does not carry his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple.” The peace Christ offers is not comfort or avoidance, but the deep peace that flows from fidelity to Him—even when it divides households or costs us dearly.

False peace may look appealing because it avoids tension, but in reality it is deceptive and shallow. It is the kind of “peace” that keeps us from change, conversion, or sacrifice. True peace often comes wrapped in the cross: frightening, demanding, and divisive at first, yet ultimately life-giving. To follow Jesus means constantly asking for the grace of discernment: to recognize when conflict is the Spirit’s way of leading us into deeper peace and when “peace” is merely an illusion that numbs us to the Gospel’s demands.

To end, Luke 12 and 14 together remind us that following Christ is costly. Conflict is not something to avoid, but something to engage with discerning love so that it becomes the path to dialogue, trust, and authentic peace. Let us pray today for the courage to embrace healthy conflict, guided by discreta caritas, and the wisdom to discern the true peace of Christ—the peace that comes not from avoiding the cross, but from carrying it with Him. Amen. Fr JM Manzano SJ